Quipu

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal

Overall Rating: 32

Clearly a case of greed overruling common sense. It’s easy to understand Nabisco Foods wanting to cash in on the TMNT phenomenon [as it then was -ed.] but harder to understand how anyone could have thought that a cereal based on green, slimy amphibians could be made attractive to anyone besides other green, slimy etc.

Appearance

Image from the Institute collection

An unfortunate deviation from cereal norm (which is to say, geometric abstraction). Each piece of cereal is supposed to represent the head of one of the Turtles. The smiling, kelly green-coloured objects on the box art at least bear a passing resemblance to their models. But the actual cereal is something only a psychopath could love. The cereal is the colour of auto-body putty, for one thing. For another, the limitations of the stamping and baking process means the cereal pieces look less like turtles and more like the heads of cadavers. The overall effect of the image and the pale green colour is to suggest the head of the Pillsbury Dough Boy after he’s been dead in the water several weeks. For all but the most disturbed, this is not an encouragement to eat. If anything, it looks worse when the milk is added. The long they soak, the more they appear to be decomposing, and― (bworp) excuse me―

Texture and Taste, Dry

Nasty. The cereal is solid and has a decent enough mouthfeel and gives good crunch. But the flavour owes more to Dow Chemical than to Ceres, goddess of agriculture. Three different flours are used (oat, corn, wheat) but all are overwhelmed by an acrid chemical taste that is present both during and after chewing (and possibly before). Sweetness is only faintly evident, masked as it is by the chemical taste. In no way is this a good snack food.

Texture and Taste, With Milk

Holds its crunch, and retains a good mouthfeel, for quite some time. A suspiciously long time, in fact. Oatiness asserts itself when milk is added, and the chemical taste disappears. (No doubt the chemicals are being absorbed into the body, however, and regular consumers of this product will retain cell integrity long after life has ceased.) Sweetness is understated, as is the case with most cereals of pronounced oatiness. Unfortunately, the aftertaste is reminiscent of the Love Canal. Fortunately the colour does not leach into the milk.

Conclusion

Not recommended under any circumstances. Cat’s won’t touch it, neither should you. [May 1992]