Quipu

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cereal

Overall Rating: 73

A gimmick cereal that, by rights, out to stick around. It’s probably significant, though, that although Bill & Ted have been around as characters for several years, the cereal didn’t appear until the characters went into an animated TV show. This does not bode well for its staying power, so enjoy it while you can. And if you know what’s good for you, don’t read the ingredients list.

Image from the Institute collection

Appearance

Excellent. For once, no pretense to representation. The cereal is rectangular, with roughly circular cutouts in each piece. It is carefully neutral in colour, a light brown that reminds one of the beige carpets so popular in suburban living rooms. The neutral cereal admirably sets off the wildly coloured marshmallows that permeate the product in a number of less-than-tasteful pastel shades. The overall effect is colourful without being shocking. You could wake up to something like this without doing retinal damage. (The marshmallows, by the way, are supposed to represent musical notes. They more or less succeed at this. Marshmallow is obviously easier to work with than the flour paste of which most cereal is made.)

Texture and Taste, Dry

Good initial crunch, but with little follow-through. This may be an advantage, as it likely prevents mouth-damage from all those sharp edges. Certainly one can consume this product with less fear of injury than is the case with Prince of Thieves (see previous Sucrophile). The marshmallows are very weird, and have to be experienced to be believed. Note that cereal marshmallows are not at all like their toast-it-over-the-campfire cousins. Cereal marshmallows are dessicated little shriveled lumps of almost pure sugar, and are the textural equivalent of the classic bully: they  put up a strong front but vanish when the crunch comes. B&T marshmallows have a very brief, very strong resistance and crunchy mouthfeel. The second their integrity is shattered and they encounter saliva, however, they essentially evaporate, leaving a slightly chemical tang and the overpowering sensation of pure sweetness. The flavours are not particularly complementary. The cereal is actually quite delicate, with a nice balance of sugar and cinnamon flavour, with a graham-cracker finish. This is strongly at odds with the heavily sweetened, floral finish of the marshmallows. The result is often confused taste buds and the nagging feeling that becoming physically ill might be preferable. If you must eat this dry, it’s best to pick and choose, separating the two components. This isn’t as hard to do as one might think, and it can prove a useful gauge of how the sugar level in your bloodstream is affecting your hand-eye coordination. And people complain that kiddyrot cereals have no socially redeeming values!

Texture and Taste, With Milk

Texturally, something of a muddle. Neither component makes its presence known clearly, and the result is a vaguely defined crunch that dissipates fairly quickly in milk. If you can isolate the marshmallows, though, you’re in for a treat. They become even more complex, texturally, when milk is added. There’s a bit of a softening of the outside, but the milk doesn’t penetrate far. The result is a sort of triple effect: a hint of soft marshmallow followed by a good stiff resistance to the bite, followed by that cataclysmic shattering into pure sugar rush. The admixture of texture and flavour is not a total loss, however. Where it disappoints in terms of texture, this product more than satisfies in terms of taste. (If you can develop a taste, that is, for heavily perfumed sugars. It’s no problem for Sucrophile, we assure you.) The sugar of the marshmallows is much more dominant in the moistened cereal than it is in the dry, and the result is a breakfast that’s almost schizophrenic: mild cinnamon flavour alternating quickly with hysterical bursts of sweetness. It’s easy to eat several bowls of this without thinking; afterward, even religious programs and infomercials are entertaining.

Conclusion

For a really good time, pick out the marshmallows from this and combine them with a box of Prince of Thieves cereal. Eat several bowls and listen to your blood-sugar compounding  like the Russian* inflation rate. Just be sure you’ve made out your will first. [June 1992]

*For contemporary readers, substitute "Venezuelan". Also, isn't an actual phone booth not, like, the greatest cereal-box prize evahr?