Quipu

Prince of Thieves Cereal

Overall Rating: 86*

Life in the eleventh century was tough. You had to have stamina to survive. Likewise you’ll need stamina to survive this aggressively sweetened, texturally vicious cereal. Before you pour, make sure your medical insurance is paid up.

Guess they couldn't afford a pic of Costner
(image from the Institute collection)

Appearance

Astonishing. Ignore the fact that another failed attempt at representationalism has resulted in cereal “arrows” that actually resemble phalluses in full erection, and concentrate on the remarkable green-coloured sugar crystals that have attached themselves to the aforementioned phalli. Serve this stuff as finger-food at a cocktail party and just listen to the rude jokes fly. (The green is an almost-perfect recreation of the colour of oxidizing bronze [not really - ed] so you can pretend that these are naughty bits whacked off inumerable heroic statues and then left to rust a little before being poured into your bowl. You have to love a cereal that encourages the imagination like this.) For the technically minded, this cereal is enhanced by no fewer than six different artificial colouring agents.

Texture and Taste, Dry

Dangerous. More crisp than crunch, but an authoritative crisp. Authoritative in the sense that Bad King John (or the Gestapo or Stasi, come to that) was authoritative. To the firm mouth feel you have to add a shape that is angular and somewhat sharp-edged, and the presence of sharper-edged sugar crystals. The result is is almost invariably contusions and/or lacerations of the soft tissues inside the mouth if this product is eaten dry in any quantity. This is a pity, as the cereal has a wonderful tangy flavour heightened by one of the more aggressive uses of sugar in a modern cereal. There are four different flavours in use here, but the sweetness and slightly fruity tang dominate when dry. A great snack food, then, but only for the foolishly macho. The warnings about overconsumption and its effects on potentially antisocial behaviour due to uncontrolled sugar psychosis apply equally if the product is consumed dry, though it doesn’t seem likely anyone is going to able to consume enough of this stuff to get seriously bent: the risk of personal injury is just too great.

Texture and Taste, With Milk

As you might expect, a product this pugnacious holds its edge for some time after the milk has been applied. “Edge” in this case is literally true: injury can still result from eating this stuff after 60 or even 90 seconds of immersion. In fact, it’s downright curious that this cereal retains its ability to injure even as it sogs. The interior of each arrow remains crisp even as the exterior sloughs away: call this the discarding-sabot round of breakfast cereals. Flavour mellows only a little with the application of milk: sugar still predominates, with a fruity finish that’s probably enhanced by mindless frenetic activity like running around the block after each bowlful. If you’re looking for a real sugar rush, this stuff is it. Just be warned that the Twinkie Defence may not be applicable to Canadian consumers should they be charged with criminal activity while under the influence of said sugar rush.

Conclusion

As with most gimmick cereals, this one probably has a short shelf-life. Sucrophile doesn’t see much likelihood of this product being available much after 1992†. Connoisseurs might consider laying some down, though: it would be worth stocking up. With its potential to do grievous harm to the inside of your mouth, a good supply of this product has the potential to pay dividends down the road, in the shape of a really substantial product-liability lawsuit. [June 1992]

*Really? After the gum damage this stuff inflicted we still gave it an 86? What the hell were we thinking?

†This turned out to be true. The cereal disappeared from shelves almost as soon as this review was released.