How We Do It: A Look Inside Sucrophile

In response to a cascade of requests (okay, to one request, but from a really nice person), here is the truth (we swear it) about how Sucrophile is prepared, review after review.

We here at the Sucrophile Institute (also known as the Hyperkinesis Institute) are firm believers in a rigorous structure for consistent, scientific making it up as we go along. Therefore, we endeavour to ensure that each test of a product (as we like to call the junk, or kiddyrot, cereals) is performed under conditions that come as close as possible to duplicating the conditions under which all the other tests were conducted. Right down to wearing the same clothes. Without washing. This bathrobe is starting to develop language skills, in fact.

Fortunately, the Institute has a fairly
large collection of recorded animated
programming (image in public domain)

Testing occurs in two phases and takes place in two different rooms. The first phase, the Natural Test, takes place in the sitting room [now the library], sitting (in front of the television). The choice of programming varies* somewhat, so long as it meets the following criteria: a) it must be animated, and punctuated with loud, shrill commercials selling dolls that poop or mermaids that yodel; b) it must be utterly mindless (for which, see a) above).

The second phase, the Lab Test, takes place in front of the computer, with a slight horizontal deviation in order to place the keyboard out of the path of the milk and cereal should it somehow spill. The Lab Test phase is sometimes known as the Do It Again Because You Forgot Whether You Liked It And It’s Three Hours To Posting Time phase. Duplicating testing in this way helps to ensure accuracy of data, much the way that Dr. Robert Gallo ensured the accuracy of his data while discovering HIV†.

Examining new kiddyrot product in the

Institute test facilities.

(Photo by Do-Ming Lum)

In all test phases the same equipment is used. The spoon is a Hakka Number 2 teaspoon, a Finland-made product chosen for its relatively flat, narrow bowl; this facilitates transfer of the product to the mouth without allowing for disruption caused by mustache or beard. The Hakka is prized for its non-specular brushed stainless steel finish. The cereal bowl is made of high-tech Pyrex and is higher-sided than standard cereal bowls. This allows the bouquet of the cereal to circulate as the product oxidizes under the influence of the lactic acid in the milk. Only 2% milk is used, in order that the taste of the product not be compromised by excessive lipids from higher-butterfat dairy products.

The procedure followed is likewise rigorously controlled. Two handsful of the dry cereal are consumed for the Dry portion of each testing phase. Each handful is removed from the box, without the use of any other implement. In this way our testers are able to perform a quick yet incisive assessment of the “handiness” of the product. Two handsful of the cereal provide all the input needed for the expert sucrophile to pass judgement on the product’s dry performance. The first handful is judged on flavour, aroma (if any) and relative sweetness. The second is judged for texture, mouthfeel and resistance to the bit. The second handful also provides a quick reference for the product’s ability to stand up to prolonged snacking―does it cause the teeth to stick together, for example, or is gum laceration a risk?

For the With Milk portion of each test phase, the product is poured into the test bowl to the volume of 250 millilitres (ml). Then 125 ml of 2% milk is added and the combination given one stir with the test spoon, in order to maximize product exposure to the milk. After the stir, a delay of five seconds is imposed, to allow the milk to begin to penetrate the product. Then the product is consumed at a slow, steady pace (while watching the animated programming), in order to provide the best opportunity for the product to show how well it stands up to milk, while maximizing the likelihood the tester will become so absorbed in the onscreen wackiness as to utterly vacate the premises, intellectually speaking. Since 250 ml of product provides more chewing opportunities, the tester usually devotes alternate spoonsful to flavour and texture tastings. In all cases, careful notes are kept on the backs of envelopes, old newspapers, outgoing mail and bills we’re hoping to ignore. These notes are then carefully lost.

The end result of this painstaking procedure is a series of data that we at the Institute feel provides the sort of detailed and careful analysis that sweetened breakfast cereals and their consumers deserve. We thank you for placing your faith in the integrity of the Institute, and if you have a favourite cereal you’d like to see very favourably reviewed, please get in touch. No cheques, please.

[November 1992; revised March 2019]

*Conditions have altered since this was written back in 1992. The Institute dropped its cable television subscription years ago, Broadcast television likewise stopped broadcasting cartoons in the early ‘90s, for the most part (the cartoons still airing on public networks such as TVO and PBS definitely do not count). Fortunately the Institute retains a significant collection of recorded Saturday Morning Cartoons. And the brainless TV ads can still be found on YouTube, if that’s your idea of a good time.

†Arbitrary historical reference. Look it up! Read a book!