Karl Schroeder started talking about agile armies, and without warning began to riff on the idea of the conquest of Poland as a sprint. And before we knew it, this was happening:
Adolf Hitler: Scrum Master
[We open on an artificially lit room in what may, or may not, be a bunker. A group of uniformed men stand around a whiteboard, on which are glued a collection of brightly coloured pieces of paper. The papers are organized under handwritten column headings such as "Paris," "Maginot Line," "Channel Ports" and "Documentation." The latter heading is scuffed and worn and apparently has been on the board for some time without any attention being paid to it. The uniformed men look up as their scrum master approaches.]
Hitler: Good morning. Not sorry I'm late. We have a lot to get through today so everybody be concise. Von Runstedt? You go first this morning.
Von Runstedt: Shouldn't we wait for Halder?
Hitler: Halder is no longer with the organization. There will be a whip-round for his funeral later. So? [He gestures, impatiently]
Von Runstedt: [nervous] Yesterday we, uh, we completed the last of the tasks in the Netherlands story. Which is good. [He moves a bunch of papers to the "Completed" column.] Today I am going to start work on the France story. But, well, I'm blocked. By the Maginot Line.
Hitler: [screaming] FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! YOU WILL ATTACK!! [He quiets] Okay, we'll take this offline. [He glares at von Runstedt a moment, then turns.] Manstein?
Von Manstein: We think we might have a way around the Maginot blockage. Heh-heh. Around. [He looks around. Nobody laughs.] Um. Okay, anyway, Guderian and Rommel think they can go through the Ardennes Forest and outflank the French.
Von Runstedt: We can't make changes now! This is not in the plan.
Hitler: [screaming] WE ARE AN AGILE ORGANIZATION! WE DO NOT PLAN! WE MAKE SHIT UP AS WE GO!
Von Runstedt: Shouldn't we wait for Halder?
Hitler: Halder is no longer with the organization. There will be a whip-round for his funeral later. So? [He gestures, impatiently]
Von Runstedt: [nervous] Yesterday we, uh, we completed the last of the tasks in the Netherlands story. Which is good. [He moves a bunch of papers to the "Completed" column.] Today I am going to start work on the France story. But, well, I'm blocked. By the Maginot Line.
Hitler: [screaming] FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! YOU WILL ATTACK!! [He quiets] Okay, we'll take this offline. [He glares at von Runstedt a moment, then turns.] Manstein?
Von Manstein: We think we might have a way around the Maginot blockage. Heh-heh. Around. [He looks around. Nobody laughs.] Um. Okay, anyway, Guderian and Rommel think they can go through the Ardennes Forest and outflank the French.
Von Runstedt: We can't make changes now! This is not in the plan.
Hitler: [screaming] WE ARE AN AGILE ORGANIZATION! WE DO NOT PLAN! WE MAKE SHIT UP AS WE GO!
Von Runstedt: Just invading a major power like this without planning is dangerous, my fuhrer.
Guderian: We started yesterday.
Hitler: You WHAT? [His sweat begins to bubble as though it were boiling.]
Rommel: And we finished this morning. We're through the Ardennes, across the Meuse and behind the French.
Hitler: [screaming louder—and yes, his sweat really is boiling] You will all be SHOT!! Nobody disobeys or acts without my order!
Von Manstein: [whispering] My fuhrer, this means we can close out all our stories by the end of this sprint.
Hitler: And all of your FAMILIES will be sho — Wait, what did you say?
Von Manstein: We're finished. France ist kaput.
Hitler: Well, aren't I just the brilliant tactician, then? Okay, everyone back to work. [He pauses.] Don't forget your timesheets this week. Goring, you haven't submitted a single timesheet since the Anschluss.
Guderian: We started yesterday.
Hitler: You WHAT? [His sweat begins to bubble as though it were boiling.]
Rommel: And we finished this morning. We're through the Ardennes, across the Meuse and behind the French.
Hitler: [screaming louder—and yes, his sweat really is boiling] You will all be SHOT!! Nobody disobeys or acts without my order!
Von Manstein: [whispering] My fuhrer, this means we can close out all our stories by the end of this sprint.
Hitler: And all of your FAMILIES will be sho — Wait, what did you say?
Von Manstein: We're finished. France ist kaput.
Hitler: Well, aren't I just the brilliant tactician, then? Okay, everyone back to work. [He pauses.] Don't forget your timesheets this week. Goring, you haven't submitted a single timesheet since the Anschluss.
*Yes, the quality of the conversation at our soirees is utterly top-drawer. Nothing but the pure potato for us.
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