ELEVEN

"You can't tell me that's therapeutic." The Jade Emperor's voice rumbled in Wen's ears, in the style of distant thunder. Please let this go on a bit longer, he thought.

"She certainly seems to be responding to it, though," Lao Zi said. He sounded puzzled. Man ought to have got out more while he had the chance, Wen thought. Then he realized that Fengzi was responding to his kiss. In a way that might not have been therapeutic but was certainly life-affirming.

Then she pushed him away. "Enough for now," she said, and it was her old voice again. "Thank you, Master," she said to Lao Zi. "And thank you, too," she said to Wen. "You were resourceful, as always."

"Still making it up on the spot," Wen said, feeling absurdly pleased with himself.

"If you are capable of standing, young lady," said the Jade Emperor, "I think that we had best bring this—well, what should we call it?"

"Incursion," said the Queen Mother of the West.

"Unfortunate confusion," said Lao Zi, staring at the goddess with his head held high.

"Incident," said the Jade Emperor, conclusively. "This incident needs to be brought to a close; it has take up too much of our time already."

"They must be punished," said the Queen Mother of the West. "To give them clemency will be to destroy my reputation as a goddess who is powerful rather than benevolent. And let me remind you, Immortal, that while you may be the sage who first showed humans The Way, I am the goddess who ultimately confers or withholds immortality."

"There are eight of us, Exalted Lady," murmured Lao Zi, "and only one of you. Word of what you do here will not remain hidden from the ears of the black-haired people, I promise you that."

"Eight of who?" Wen asked.

"He means the Eight Immortals," Fengzi said. "Daoist sages. One is even a woman."

"This is not going to turn into another fight between you two," said the Jade Emperor. "I will make the final decision."

"We all know how that's going to end up," said the goddess. "You never could resist a pretty girl, especially one with unbound feet."

"Disgusting practice," the Jade Emperor said. Then he coughed. "And completely beside the point. The young lady is at best an accessory; the real question we have to resolve here is how to deal with Wen Xia, who has at the very least attempted to defraud heaven."

"Before you pass sentence on me, Heaven Honored One," Wen said, "could I ask that you do one thing? Not for me," he added quickly.

"What would you have me do?"

"Please, remove the curse from my father so that he may swallow properly and no longer be in discomfort. He is a hungry ghost only because of my negligence, and it seems unfair to me that he should continue to suffer after I have been punished."

"You see what I mean?" said Lao Zi. "Good filial instincts there."

"I must disagree," said Wen. "No disrespect, learned sir, but my instincts are anything but filial. I am acting in pure self-interest."

"Xia..."

"Sorry, Fengzi. Perhaps it's something in the air here, but I'm not happy with—well, stretching the truth here." He turned to the Jade Emperor. "I want my father freed of his curse, and if I have to be punished in order for that to happen, that's the price I'll pay. But be under no illusions: I set out on this quest because my father's curse had ruined my own luck. I have done what I've done for my own sake as much as for anyone else's."

The Heaven Honored Jade Emperor smiled, and once again Wen was impressed at the dental work with which immortal beings were blessed. "I thought you said you weren't going to lie here," he said. "Not that it matters overmuch. I don't care about your motivations, really. What matters here is what you did.

"And what you did, Wen Xia, was try to defraud heaven. That's a serious crime, even if you discount all of the other charges."

"Which you should under no circumstances do," said the goddess.

"Your point has been taken, wife," said the Jade Emperor. "And if I thought for a moment that there had actually been an attempt to steal your peaches I would act more sternly even than you.

"However, I believe the issue at hand is your gardener, Wen Gang. I feel I must agree with the young man: it isn't really fair that the subject of this entire incident hasn't been able to speak a word throughout." The Jade Emperor gestured with the smallest of his fingers.

"GODS DAMN IT!" Wen spun around, shocked. He had never in his life heard his father raise his voice, much less curse. "Thank you so much, you miserable excrescences, for finally thinking to pay me the slightest bit of puss-sucking attention!" Father stomped up to the Queen Mother of the West. "I don't care if you burn me to a cinder, you cat-tailed bitch, I am going to tell you to your gorgeous face that you are the absolute worst employer in all the worlds! If there had been even the remotest chance that I could have done it, I would have eaten half of every one of those thrice-damned peaches and spat the rest into the gulf between the worlds!

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